Easter and my attitude during familiy gatherings

My dog is on his back, paws stretched out, belly exposed, smiling. It looks like a picture of peace but total awkwardness at the same time. Most dogs don't sleep like this. They ball up or lay on their side. Not Sam. He is Mr. Luxury, his back paw is about 6 inches from my chin and he is taking up much more than his fair share of the couch.

Today was Easter and almost the whole family was here to eat and hunt eggs and dye eggs and play euchre and pet Sam. No wonder he is luxuriating on the couch, he has been in paradise all day. Why do we do family gatherings? They seem so stressful to everyone involved. I am happy to see these folks that I love, but when they all get together, I get stressed. It isn't fair to Jon or to my guests. It is this insane obsession I have with 100% unity, which I am not sure can be obtained when you bring two pretty different families together. Throw in the mix a sensitive person or two, an exhausted one, a dominant mama or two, and two or three men who all they want to do is please the women and keep the peace. When do we get past these underlying issues? I am not sure this is the way it is suppose to be, but I guess it might be this way when mixing any group of people.

I also have to have everything perfect when our families are here. I want every detail attended to and every person with a smile constantly. This just isn't fair to me or my guests. What is this a result of? On holidays, I want to be like Sam. Totally relaxed, enjoying the TRUE MEANING of the holiday- that the battle of my salvation has been won. I want to be belly up in the lap of a loved one not concerned with what others are thinking. I think it could happen, I am going to work towards this.

SNR - Saturday Night Reflect

It has been a good week. Really good. Got to connect with my peeps, hang-out with friends in between working, do some mentoring, drink coffee, eat yummy dinners with recruits and have a pretty balanced life. I am not sure how to handle all of this freedom of only working 9 hours a day! I run with my dog, clean, call friends & meet up with folks for coffee. Wow, this is the life.

Today I confessed to my husband and now I will confess to the world, aka, the 2 people that read this blog, that I am really struggling with a temptation to turn from God and lean into personal success, fashion, and beauty instead of pushing hard into God. I just want the world all of a sudden. Gross, right? I am a glutton for stuff. I want an unending bank account, a size 6 body and a blemish-free, shimmering complexion. I want cute purses, high-heeled shoes and a car that turns heads. I want a horse farm with lots of room for my dog to run. And I want horses, and kids, and things for the kids, and cute clothes and I want I want I want I WANT!

Jon & I would say this is my id screaming out for attention. It is. It is my immature, media brain-washed, Americanized, stuff-saturated id making me sound gross. This really isn't what I want. I actually want all of the above and unlimited access to Starbuck (- the fat and calories and just the deep coffee flavors washing over me) BUT NO! I don't want these things. I want world peace, I want our resources to be shared more justly, I want educational equity, I want justice & the human rights of every person to be honored. I want to start schools in Africa. I want to find homes for homeless animals, I want to be green. I want to turn the tide. This is my super-ego talking. What is the truth? Is is somewhere in between?

Why whine little dog?

When I am not on college campuses meeting with students, I work from home. It is nice, I have schedule flexibility, can throw laundry in when I want, wear what I want, meet my husband for my lunch, drop everything and go to the mall... I get to listen to my own music, sit where I want, lay on the couch and work, so many beautiful benefits. There is one thing that is not working for me. The whinny dog. I am on conference calls 40% of the time and a barking, whining dog is no good. I have to continually apologize. I love Sam. If you know me, you know that I LOVE SAM. But even when he gets a run in the morning, he whines and whines and whines for no apparent reason.

Right now, he is in the back-yard barking. He is probably making the neighbors mad and waking up the new baby next year. But I am so frustrated that I just need some space from that whinny little guy.

How can I get him to stop whining? I have tried, tried, tried with treats, toys and all sorts of other tricks, and unless I want my dog to hit 100 pounds, I can't keep shoving treats into his mouth. I have got to get him to stop. He is driving me insane!!!!!!!

Planning

I have learned that if you pray for God to reveal what he wants done today, he will actually tell you. It may not be what you want to hear, but if you do it there is great peace.

If you plan to be generous on a budget level, the time and money will be there.

--Jon

I did it!

I worked out. I do have an elliptical, so even on this sunny day, I had no excuse. I did it. Yay for me.

excercise discipline

This is what Jon says whenever he tells Sam, our dog to do or not do something, he says "Exercise Discipline" These seem like such foreign, scary words. I am the most unmotivated person when it comes to exercise. I know have all of the time in the world to do stuff today and what I am doing? Working... sending evite invitations to matriculation dinners. I just don't know what to do with down time.

I think I should bury my computer, or send it to work with my husband, but THEN WHAT WOULD I DO ALL DAY? I guess I could go shopping- but I don't really need anything- and I just taught a small group lesson on curbing our consumerism. I could read. Except the truth is (and don't tell my former students) it has to be a REALLY good book, or I have to be in a phase to read. I want to get back into that phase, but sometimes I need someone to tell me that I have to read something, then I do, and I generally enjoy it. Why don't you blog readers tell me what to read. Command me into obedience!

See what I mean, I am so dependent on assignments, responsibilities and other people to tell me what to do. Maybe I need a personal trainer. That would be expensive and I can motivate hundred of people to do stuff, but I can't motivate myself. I tried giving myself stickers for when I met points for weight w*tchers, take my multi-vitamin, exercise, and work less than 9 hours a day. .

That worked for 3 days. I am still waiting for this great desire to rise up from the depths of my inner-child screaming - YOU MUST EXERCISE! or maybe I will have a new found love for the elliptical machine. I mean it does feel like you are flying, right? I wouldn't mind picking up some running again, but it is so cold here! It is days like this that I miss 100% humidity. RGV... why did I leave you my hot home? I didn't really like running there either. I always got a headache. At least when I don't work out, I don't usually get a headache.

I need the inner-discipline of some great leaders-
I found this on another BLOG- maybe it will help:
The FIVE PILLARS OF SELF DISCIPLINE:
A- Acceptance
W- Will power
H- Hard Work
I- Industry
P- Persistence

I am working on A- do I really believe that I MUST be healthy? I am not sure I believe that. I got weighed today. I am over-weight. There I said it! Will I gain self-discipline here? I need will power, THAT IS MISSING! What does Industry mean?

Tomorrow I get to cast a vote in a historic primary

Driving through Columbus today would not have any one questioning who will win Ohio tomorrow. Everybody is all about Obama. I remember when my mom called me in college and said that there was this young man who everyone loved and she just knew he was going to be president some day. That was him. Wow, I keep talking about my mother. Yikes. I don't talk to her everyday anymore, okay? And what if I did? She is a rad lady and a great conversationalist. It doesn't make me any less mature if I did talk to her everyday. Some people can't handle that. So I am pretty sure I am going to go with Obama, but I want to make sure it is for the right reasons. Here is why I am 90% sure I will go with Obama tomorrow:
1) positive attitude throughout the campaign (even if he has someone else doing his dirty work)
2) his stand on eduction- incentive-based paid for individual teachers based on progress made with students, promotes school-choice, wants to revamp NCLB. more money for failing schools, wants to revamp administration. Believes schools need new leadership
3) he has a higher standard for the environment by a negligible amount
4) for reasons unbeknown to me, even though I am trying to did them out, I just don't like Hillary. Isn't that incredible mean? I love the fact that women can rise to such potential, but I am wondering is it that I truly don't like her, or do I not like her because my culture has brainwashed me to believe that women in power are mean "bit*&y" (excuse my language) or uptight. If a woman doesn't fit the 50's housewife model I think she gets judged by the larger society. I think there is still a long way for the women's movement to go... we must get past the perceptions that women must offer sex, be mean, or stay at home bearing children. There are so many other beautiful and wonderful things that women do that aren't celebrated by the media, the general public or even by the individual herself.

So I am not voting for the woman. I don't think. Go figure.

So yeah

Helen,

I didn't know you felt this way. If my music is annoying, it's only because I play the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, only to delete it and start over. I'll try to cut back on that. Thanks

-- Jon

Vacation in my backyard

I get a whole week off. After working 15 hours a day for months, this can be a little overwhelming. I already checked my work email and wrote 1 work-related email.... well? I think that is a pretty good record, all things considered. Most of my counter-parts across the country are somewhere warm. Or abroad. You know, London, Italy, Florida, North Carolina, and then there is me, who convinced her husband to take 1 day of vacation. We went to German Village a drank coffee, went to Worthington and at French food, played tennis and read Lord of the Rings. It was very relaxing, but here it is 7:44 pm and I am ready for the next thing to do. I know my body and mind need rest, but my attitude is not having it. I wonder what my obsession is? Why can't I just sit & be quiet. If I sit, I am limited to Jon's guitar music, playing the same thing over and over again. You know a new song wouldn't hurt anything would it honey? But oh at least it is beautiful music. Some day you'll hear it. It will be a huge hit.

My husband the musician

My mom loves how our house is always filled with live music. Except she only has to hear things once or twice. I hear the same thing over and over until perfection is found. And if you know a musician, you know that perfection is a far off thought...

I bought Jon a recording system for Christmas, and he said it was better than getting a new car. I have never been so pleased to give a gift, but every know and then I question my thinking... he has every instrument at his disposal, every rhythm and it is hard for a day to pass that he isn't excited for new developments in his music.
He is dancing to his own music right now.

Now thanks to the internet, he has access to distribute his music to millions of people. His lifelong dream of a rockstar may still come to fruition. He is doing the butterfly to gospel music. Did I mention we ate raw turkey for dinner and our both having waves of nausea? This has not prevented his recording or his enthrallment with his new found ability to record his piano with his "cheapo" microphone.